The Punch Line
by girl undone
Summary: In the final installment of the Broken Nose/So Much for Date-Night trilogy, Garrus Vakarian isn't too pleased with Commander Rachel Shepard, and neither is St. Commander Kaidan Alenko, but for very different reasons. Apologies and stylish biotics ensue.


Commander Rachel Shepard sat in the curve of the couch, examining her bandaged right hand. She was studiously avoiding the glowering gaze of Garrus Vakarian, who also sat, arms crossed, across from her in the reclining black chair.

The silence was deafening to her. She squirmed in her little black dress, like a child awaiting a reprimand.

None came.

Shepard couldn't take it any more. "It's a good thing blood wipes off so easily from leather," she remarked in a light voice, testing the waters.

Nothing but a heated glare from her date.

She fell quiet again, holding up her injured appendage in the blue-tinted light the fish tank so thoughtfully provided, to inspect it further. "The swelling's already going down. I guess that bone weave Miranda is so proud of really-"

Garrus stood- no,_ jumped_ up, and exploded, "I don't understand you!"

Rachel jerked back in surprise, almost smacking her head against the wall behind her. Still, her voice was almost cheerful, if utterly forced, "Hey, at least I got you talking."

Garrus leaned over the coffee table between them and levelled an accusing finger at her. "I thought you didn't care what people thought of us, together. I thought you didn't care about Alenko. And one word from him about this, us," He made a swift gesture to himself, then her, indicating their relationship, "being together, and you break his nose?"

Rachel looked up at him sincerely, ignoring his glare. "I _don't_ care what he thinks. I don't care what _anyone_ thinks of us." She leaned forward across the coffee table and reached up with her left hand to clutch at his accusing one, but he pulled it away. She sank back into the couch resignedly. "I couldn't just stand there while he insulted you."

Garrus' balled his hands into fists at his sides. "_That_ is what I don't understand, Rachel. You stood there on Horizon and let him call you a traitor. You never sent him those, I'm sure, very colourful emails of how, why, and what he could do with himself. No, instead you break your own personal terminal! And now you just stand there while he goes on about how you betrayed him and all but calls you a-" He broke off, shrinking away from the possible implications of the word he almost used.

She gave an uneasy shrug, already trying to bend her taped fingers. She closed her eyes for a moment as the pain shot up her arm. "He wasn't saying anything that wasn't true."

Garrus gave an exasperated growl. "Please, Rachel. You are not a traitor and you're not-"

Shepard stood up and leaned forward across the coffee table. She supplied, spitting each word out, "A whore? A slut?"

Garrus drew back, "I didn't say that-"

But Shepard stepped around the low table, purposely invading his space. "I used him, Garrus! I, however grudgingly, worked with a terrorist group that killed my unit on Akuze for experimentation! Do you think I like doing any of these things? G-d no! But I still used him and I still worked with Cerberus." She sighed, resting her weight against the model ship display case to her side. "You do know why I hit him. I couldn't just listen to him blame _you_."

Garrus wanted to throw his talons up in frustration; to take her by the shoulders and shake her. But he looked at the tired, woebegone woman he loved and stepped forward to gently put his arms around her waist. "I've never understood why you don't defend yourself."

Rachel barked out a harsh laugh, but leaned into his embrace. "I think there are several million people in the galaxy who would argue that. Especially when I'm toting the Particle Beam along with my Widow."

He gave a frustrated growl. "Sometimes I really just want to shake you, Rachel. You defend Commander Shepard, but you never defend _yourself_ . Don't look at me like you don't know exactly what I mean. You hate Lawson. She knows it, I know it, everyone knows it. Have you ever actually told her why you can't stand her? Have you ever even told me what Taylor said that makes you look like you want a put an incendiary round between his eyes? No. The worst I've heard any of this new crew get from you was Mordin over the genophage, but you stopped once he implied you took the matter personally. Spirits, you act like Grunt is a little krogan orphan you've adopted and Jack is just some hard case you need to win over!"

Her eyes grew wide during his speech and she pulled herself out of his grasp with her left arm. "Do you know why I can't stand the idea of Joker being grounded for two years because of me? Why I bring you and Tali on every single goddamned mission? Why I talk to Dr. Chakwas every morning? Because you're all I have left! You're the only people I trust! You're all my _family!_ If I could snap the arms off every asshole who told Jeff he killed me, I would! I tease Tali because I know she'll forgive me! How do you think Miranda would react if I told her I wanted to claw her face open for knowing every dirty little secret about me? If I'm nicer to Grunt and Jack, it's because they're goddamned kids who haven't been given a fair chance at life! One bred in a tank and the other tortured since first memory! My G-d! And you- Goddammit, Garrus, I yell at you because..." She hesitated, pushing her hair out of her face with her forearm. When she spoke again, her voice was softer, "Because I love you and hope you love me enough to forgive me, too."

Garrus, mindful of her broken hand, drew her close to him without protest. "There's nothing to forgive. I _do_ love you. I just wish that you weren't so hard on yourself." He nuzzled the top of her head even as she snorted.

"Me? What about you? Do I need to bring up the saga of Archangel and his righteous vengeance?"

Garrus ignored her sarcasm, stroking her back instead of rising to her bait. "See, you can say things like that and step in front of my scope and talk me out doing something really, really stupid, but Taylor stares at you in a frankly disturbing way for months and you don't tell him where to get off until he questions your taste in mates."

Rachel was utterly disinclined to pull out of her position in Garrus' arms, away from his hands, but shock won over. "Who told you?"

His mandibles flared in a smirk. "It's a small ship and there aren't exactly a lot other, what was the word he used? 'Cuttlebones' around."

Her tone wasn't at all playful as she gave him a shove with her shoulder. "Don't use that word. It's disgusting, xenophobic language that I won't permit aboard my ship."

" I _can_ defend my own honour, Rachel." If he sounded affronted, his expression was far from it.

She slackened, leaning her head against his chest. "I know. But I really enjoy doing it myself."

He nuzzled her neck, listening to her heart beat increase. "Does that mean I can defend yours?"

Rachel sighed, "Yes," but before Garrus could do anything else, she pulled away regretfully. "But first, I really ought to apologise to Alenko. Whether he deserved it or not, I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

He let her go, shaking his head in disagreement, but his voice was full of indulgence. "I knew you were going to say that."

She caressed his scarred mandible with her left hand. "I'm sorry we didn't get to go on our date."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered under her touch, "It wasn't your fault." Then they quickly flared in a grin. "Besides, did you forget about what I promised in the elevator earlier?"

Rachel looked confused for a moment, then laughed, stepping closer to swiftly press her forehead against his. "I did, actually. Our tiebreaker." She pitched her voice higher and said in self-mockery, "Promise you'll be gentle, what with my broken hand and all, Officer Vakarian."

Garrus caught her around the waist and tried to sound serious as he looked into her eyes, "I wouldn't dream of it."

She groaned, still stroking his mandible. "You're making it impossible to leave, you know."

In a flash, he released her, but not before he ran his tongue across her jaw. "I know," he replied cheerfully, steering her toward the door. "So hurry back."

She shot him a half-hearted glare as she went into the lift. "You're a smug bastard, you know."

Garrus mandibles twitched as he tried not to grin at her. "And that's why you love me."

She called through the closing lift doors, "You're got a lot to prove tonight, _Officer Vakarian_! I hope you're up for it!"

* * *

Commander Rachel Shepard tried to smother her own grin as she stepped off the lift and walked toward the med-bay. It was only then she realised she left her shoes upstairs, under the coffee table. _Well, it is my ship, technically_. The Illusive Man hadn't come after it yet. _It's not like I'm undressed or anything._

Quickly, she smoothed down her dress as though to assure herself it was still on.

_Thank G-d I don't blush. _

Taking a moment to assume the careful mask of Commander Shepard, she reached for the med-bay doors, then reconsidered. She said aloud, "EDI?" for once hoping the AI would reply promptly.

"Yes, Commander?"

"Could you alert Dr. Chakwas I'd like to enter the med-bay? Please assure her I come bearing a white flag."

EDI replied, "Dr. Chakwas is no longer in the med-bay. The current occupants are Yeoman Chambers and Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko. Do you wish for me to tell them you bear a white flag?"

Shepard shook her head, as though EDI could see her. _Dr. Chakwas left already but Kelly hasn't? It's been an awfully long- _Suddenly, an impish smile crossed her face. "No, belay that order. Just tell them I'm coming in."

"Of course, Commander."

Shepard examined her broken hand for a moment as she heard EDI's voice through the med-bay doors, then a scuffle. When it was finally silent, she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smirking and pressed the console. The doors hissed opened.

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko was sitting on the edge of a med-bay bed, looking only slightly worse for wear, but Dr. Chakwas always did good handiwork. His dress jacket and blood-stained white dress shirt were folded on the chair beside the bed, just as he had done when they both entered the med-bay earlier that night. He was hastily pushing his hands through his hair and Shepard thought she saw a blue corona emit from his hands.

Yeoman Chambers was no where to be seen.

Shepard cleared her throat, staring at his hair. "Are you _biotically_ trying to fix your hair?" There was actual awe in her voice.

Kaidan turned to face her, skin darkening with embarrassment. "No," he retorted too quickly, crossing his arms against his chest.

Rachel tried to flex her broken hand so she wouldn't laugh. It worked, but stifling the groan was even harder. She cleared her throat again. "Look, Kaidan, I wanted to apologise for what happened."

Kaidan grunted, fixing her with the same glare he had for her since Horizon. "For which part?"

She wanted to retort with some choice words, but she took a deep breath and said, "The past is the past. We're adults. I shouldn't have broken your face."

Kaidan's glare faltered. He had come to some realisations that night. "It was just my nose," he muttered.

She stepped over to the bed, mindful of her bare feet around medical equipment. When she noticed him staring, she shrugged, her mouth tugging into a small, rueful smile. "Left them in my room. Anyway, I'm sorry I broke your nose. Think you'll live?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed to have her standing so closely all of a sudden. "Yeah." He shifted uncomfortably, but Shepard acted like she didn't notice anything amiss. "I'm sorry I said those things down there." He took a deep breath. The evening seemed both very, very long and incredibly short at the same time. "Garrus is... well... I hope you two are happy, Shepard."

Shepard offered him her left hand. "I'm not ambidextrous like you," indicating her broken right one, "but I hope we can still be friends all the same."

Kaidan hesitated before he awkwardly shook Shepard's hand. "I hear you're not with Cerberus any more. That you were really-"

"I'm not," she broke in, cutting him off. "and I didn't want to be in the first place. And, yeah, I was really dead." She felt her frustration rising. "Look, as I said, the past is the past."

Kaidan noted the set jaw and the lifted chin of Commander Shepard's face. Obviously, she didn't want to talk about it. "Yeah," he repeated. He suddenly had no idea what to say to this woman, whom he had spent two years mourning, then desirous of and angry with for the past endless months since Horizon.

Shepard looked down before she took a step back, still mindful not to step on anything. "I hope you find happiness, too, Kaidan." When he looked up at her, bruised face and all, she smiled just a bit. "Really, I do."

Kaidan tried to smile back, but he couldn't quite find it in him yet. "Uh, thanks, Shepard."

She simply nodded and carefully picked her way to the doors. "I'll see you around then. Good night, Kaidan."

Kaidan didn't watch her go this time. "Good night, Shepard."

Shepard hit the console and the doors hissed open. But she paused between them and called out, without looking behind her, "You can come out of the A.I. Core, now, Kelly. Unless Legion is enjoying the view."

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko made a shocked noise, "But how did you know?"

Commander Rachel Shepard laughed, practically sprinting her way toward the lift, as her response echoed through the empty mess, "You didn't have a console to hide behind this time, Alenko." She trilled out as she called for the lift, "_Good ni-ight."_


End file.
